Q: My partner has been hinting around about trying more intense stuff, like choking and trying to pass out from an orgasm. What’s a safe way to begin experimenting with this?
A: Well, first off, I want to congratulate you for wanting to try new things safely, especially choking. Cannot emphasize this enough: be safe. Be consensual. And make sure everyone is having a good time. Plan ahead. If things go wrong, you have to have a plan – first aid kit, route to the nearest hospital, emergency help on speed dial. Experiment slowly until you’ve (echem) got a hand on things. Use safe words and safe signals.
Okay, let’s get down to it.
Safety & Disclaimer
Choking can be very dangerous in wrong hands. When and if you are in doubt, DO NOT TRY THIS at all. This site and authors are not responsible for any accidents if they happen. Be smart and know your limits. There is always time to learn. Knowledge is power. So read on different techniques and see what works with your partner. Have safe consensual sex and discuss sexual preferences with your partner at least a day before getting together. Asking just before making a move is a turn off, and a well-developed plan makes everything run more smoothly and comfortably. Be sure to use safe words and safe signals to indicate consent and when you or your partner want to stop and/or take a break.
Here’s my suggestion: start slow. Practice. See what you are both comfortable with, what’s working and what isn’t. If it feels like you’re doing it wrong, stop immediately and try again later.
Safe word: Discuss with your partner and decide on a safe word. If at any point, you feel not safe or if a scene triggers bad memories from your abusive past do not hesitate to use a safeword. It is your right to do so.
Safe signal: When you are gagged, you won’t be able to utter safe word. So, that is when safe signals are useful. Clenching your fist twice, V shaped using fingers are some commonly used ones.
Your partner won’t consider you as any less , just because you had to use a safe word. It is only fun when both parties enjoy it. So, do not hesitate to use it if you are not feeling tings right way.
Who would want this?
Well, me for one. There’s a lot of bad info out there (ex: “girls with daddy issues” or “people have been abused”) and I don’t want to generalize, so let me start with myself. Me. Not all the time. In fact, pretty rarely. It’s been years since I’ve incorporated choking into my sexual play and I think the “occasional” part of this is actually what makes it fun. If you or your partner are wanting to be choked out on a regular basis, there are health risks that make it very unsafe. Again – this should be a rare thing.
Why would they want me to do this to them?
Well, I can’t (and don’t want to) speak for everyone, so there could be one reason or hundreds of reasons. For me, I like the idea of someone else actively being in control, and vice versa. I like the idea of actively being in control. Most people who lean towards “power issues” in their sexual activities say they enjoy feeling powerful and powerless. For some reason, no matter which role you take, you will often feel a conflicting emotion or awareness.
For example, when I am in control, I am very aware that this person has decided to let me be “in control” and, in a way, that makes me feel powerless. I really am, in that moment when I am “in charge”, at their mercy every bit as much as they are at mine. I am responsible for this person and, for that moment, their sexual experience. It’s very humbling. At the same time, when I am not “in control” – when I take the submissive role – I really am in charge because I can stop things whenever I want and am, in that moment, doing whatever I can to make them feel powerful and appreciated and loved and “in control.” So, it’s a really interesting dynamic and I would encourage you to talk about where the two of you are at relationally, and how grateful you are that she has asked you to experience this with her.
Basically, though, there’s something really amazing about a person putting a firm hand on you and making you do what they want you to do, in sexually pleasing them, and in giving over control to them. Feeling powerless can be very arousing. I really enjoy performing oral sex on a woman for this same reason – I like to make them feel like they are a queen and that I will do whatever they want, whenever they want, however they want as long as it please her.
Then again, the moment of choking intensifies the orgasm, and you really are connected because this person is being incredibly vulnerable with you, someone they love. They trust you, so don’t minimize that.
How do I do it? / Where do I hold them?
Diagrams are really helpful.
Above images shows location of carotid arteries and choke point. Get a feel of where it lies on your neck before you try on another person. See the carotid artery? You have to apply pressure on the carotid artery. This cuts off the flow of oxygen to the brain causing a lightheaded sensation, even euphoria, which in turn increases pleasure level.
Always feel pressure points on partner’s neck prior to choking. It must not hurt or sting her after you remove pressure from neck. Avoid those sensitive regions.
How much pressure is too much?
Believe me when I say so, we really don’t want to know that. When I say “apply pressure” what that means is a gentle squeeze and release. Place your thumb and other fingers on carotid arteries. Count 1-2 second(s), then release. Continue to apply pressure and then release in pulses. Then ensures safety, access to oxygen, and continued blood flow.
Let’s be clear about this: an orgasm does not occur when blow stops flowing. An orgasm can only occur when there blood flow is present.
There are some people who go to extremes when they are choking to the point of making their partner unconscious. This is not something an amateur should try. It is not for everyone and things can spiral downwards. Let us just stick to basics.
Have you ever seen a lioness carry cubs grabbing their neck with its teeth? That is a kind of pressure you all have to work on. Anyone can do it irrespective of how well built you are, so keep in mind that your goal is comfort and care, not killing. Practice a couple of times and if your partner wants to continue these activities, gradually work your way towards a shared goal. That way, when you step it up a notch, you will have confidence to do it.
- Apply gentle pressure on both sides of neck. Use your palm to act as barrier between sensitive region on her neck , trachea/windpipe. Make sure not to let your body weight pressure fall in that area.
- Use her jawline as grip and tilt her head little sideways so she will feel helpless and not in control. Most of the times, just the idea of your hands on her neck gets her off. You don’t even have to apply pressure. For me, it is enough to cup the front of my neck or place your hand on the side of my neck – no choking is necessary.
- You can also give her feeling of being choking using both hands. You don’t have to apply pressure on side of neck at all.
- Do not apply pressure on windpipe.
- Do not pull her neck upwards.
- Do not use your grip on her neck to move her around. Use her hips, legs to pull her down or get her into position you prefer.
- Be aware of surroundings if you are not having sex on bed.
- Do not try choking when drunk, on medications or when you are high.
Maintain eye contact to assert dominance.
Stop thrusting midway and ask her if she wants to get fucked harder. Make her say those words.
Dirty talk when she’d about to cum. Let her beg for permission to cum.
What are they experiencing when this happens?
Well, one of two things, really.
One, if you’re doing it correctly, it creates a sense of euphoria. It feels like they are about to pass out and as adrenaline begins to kick in (you are slowing blood flow, which creates a panicked response in the body), the only thing you really feel are the areas where blood is being concentrated. Namely, the genitals and neck (where the partner is holding them). This, in some sense, intensifies the experience. Your thoughts become very lucid and intense and, if you know what is happening to you and are able to process it, it causes a (possible) orgasm. It is also emotional. Psychologically, this is a sexual experience that necessitates a high degree of trust with and in your partner. They, quite literally, have your life in their hands. Naturally, the receiving partner will have very intense emotions and I would strongly advise having an “aftercare kit” handy – blankets, water, ibuprofen, a warm washcloth, pretty much anything that would make them feel comforted and help them transition back to the non-aroused state.
Two, if it is done incorrectly, they will feel like you are killing them. Because you probably are. You are either crushing their windpipe, gripping too hard, bruising them, or stopping the flow of blood to their brain entirely. What are they feeling? They are feeling panic, regret, fear, and confusion.
Let me repeat: you are not choking your partner with the intention of restricting their breathing. You are doing this because they have asked for it, because it is consensual, and because it produces a good feeling. If it feels wrong, it’s probably wrong, but when it feels right (and it is pleasurable to the receiving partner), it can feel amazing. Just take it slow – putting your hands on the neck without applying pressure is often enough – and work your way towards something that works for both of you.