by Randall S. Frederick

Q: What can you tell me about rim jobs?

A: I’m assuming that you are not asking about how to detail your car’s wheels, so let’s – echem – dive right in.

Ass play has been getting a lot of attention in the last two years, mainly because of television shows like Girls thanks to Marnie and rappers like Chris Brown and Nicki Minaj. Most sex acts go from taboo to talk about it because of celebrities who popularize them. Now, lots of people are trying to bring “butt stuff” into their sexual repertoire… or are at least becoming more open about giving/receiving.

Let’s get this out of the way: I think rimming can be a very pleasurable experience, and while I love a shapely posterior, this is not my favorite sexual activity. But personal preferences need to be set to the side.

Commonly referred to as tossing salad, eating ass, or rimming, “a rim job” is the act of or analingus, which involves licking your partner’s anus. Yep. The brown star, the hieney-hole, not the cushiony buttock itself. You’re going straight for the bullseye on this one. 

Before you go for it, you need to know that porn makes it appear that you should be penetrating your partner with your tongue. While that may be part of what you wind up doing, and may be something your partner encourages you to do, like all orally-involved sexual acts, this one isn’t about pressure. It’s about technique. The best rim jobs are not about “tongue fucking” your partner, necessarily. They are about stimulating the anus while you are simultaneously stimulating your partner’s genitals. Say this out loud, “shallow, not deep.” Let that be your manta.

First, as with all “butt stuff”, be prepared. Talk about your gameplan before you hit the field to make sure everyone is okay with what’s about to happen. Talk until both of you are comfortable. Prepare together – get wipes, talk, make sure you have mouthwash available, talk, trim hair around the anus (or be prepared to just part it with your hands – whatever you and your partner are comfortable with). You get the idea. Talk. Prepare. Then talk some more. Talking is preparation.

I cannot stress this enough; make sure the receiving partner’s anus and the entire area is clean. Using an enema beforehand or washing up with soap is encouraged, but do not be surprised if there are issues that accompany this region of the body such as smells, sights, and sounds related to excrement/”pooping.” This can quickly shut down any amorous intent. Make sure you know what your partner wants and what you expect of your partner. I’ve known people who are completely fine with “a dirty butt” and then again, I’ve known friends who say they were “traumatized” by what they find down there. I suggest bathing together first, which can also be good for foreplay.

Also, go slow if this is your first time. Don’t rush things. Whether you are giving or receiving, there shouldn’t be a rush. The sphincter will contract with pressure and “fight back” if you rush and will not be pleasurable for the person on the receiving end. Going slow, relaxing, being comfortable will go a long way to making a rim job more pleasurable for them.

Using fingers to help the anus relax is a good idea – what I will do is orally or manually stimulate the genitals for a while to relax the pelvic region, then slip in a finger for a little while until I can tell they are physically relaxed and sexually aroused enough to proceed. Just don’t touch the vagina (or touch anything that will touch the vagina) once you do this, as you may transfer bacteria. Feel free to use a vibrator or other sex toy instead to help free up the giver’s hands and stimulate the receiver.

Who doesn’t love a nice butt? So begin by kissing the butt, loving and worshipping it, then slowly and gently working your way to the anus. Remember this is about technique, not pressure, so spend time touching and licking the perineum (the area between the genitals and anus). Spend some time there, then circle your way over the outer area until the anus itself. You can suck and nibble the anus directly before going in to insert your tongue into the outer section of the anus.

This kind of seems like common sense (but hey, let’s say it anyway): be aware that there are all kinds of bacteria on the body – especially the lower regions of the body. The anus is your body’s disposal unit for a reason; this is where everything your body has rejected because it is unhealthy is gotten rid of after being processed. No matter how clean your partner is, rimming is a health hazard. Proceed with caution. Let me say this again – rimming can be a health hazard — for both the giver and the receiver. If you are performing analingus on a female partner, you must absolutely do this last and prevent all fingers or toys that have touched the anus from touching the vagina. You do not want to transfer any bacteria from the anus to the vagina. Also, using a dental dam may not “look sexy” but could make things a heck of a lot more fun because you won’t worry as much about these kinds of issues.

Still, scary bits aside, rimming can be a very exciting, pleasurable, and loving sexual act. A friend in college told me over drinks one night that the first time his girlfriend gave him a rimjob, he knew how much she loved him. Shortly afterwards, he proposed. Rimming your partner is a very debasing activity, but sometimes it brings people closer together. After all, if you would do this for your partner, what wouldn’t you do?

Remember though, rimming isn’t about marriage proposals. It’s about getting your partner off. It’s about trying something new. Once you’re both comfortable, by all means, get into it. Masturbate. Stroke their legs and thighs. Make noises that show you’re enjoying yourself to help them feel more at ease. Tell them how much you are enjoying this. Laugh about it. In other words, have fun. Rimming is clearly about the receiver, so lean into that and help them feel good about themselves, their body, what the two of you are doing, and ultimately their orgasm(s) in whatever way you can. If you are on the receiving end, be sure to do the same thing – tell them how much you are enjoying it, show them, and if you tried it and it’s not working for you? Tell them that too. Just because they are going down on you does not mean that you need to endure it if it’s not any good. 

Personally, I think doggy style (head down, ass up) is the best way to approach the butt, or the receiving partner lays face down with their ass elevated (pillow under the pelvic region is helpful, for example).

Afterwards, be sure to clean up (of course). Having wipes on hand, a warm wash cloth, brushing your teeth, mouthwash, taking a shower, these are all good ideas.

Most importantly, have fun. Yes, there are some things to consider beforehand but that does not diminish how fun this experience can be.

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